“A certain moment will come when you have figured out how to start, what to put in the middle and what can wait until the end.” -Nora Ephron
A girl I used to know began a journey. A solo journey to find herself. She had battled dragons and mountains and rivers and long days and sleepless nights. Her soul had been battered and bruised.
Years of scar tissue had grown over the wounds trying to hide what was underneath; however, one day she decided to begin a search to find what was underneath. She did not want to spend one more minute living the status quo, being miserable, battling dragons, not knowing what kind of eggs she liked (the reader who knows this film reference will receive a free latte by the author).
That was six months ago this week. Who was this girl? Well that girl was me or at least a former version of myself. My songwriter friend reminds me I am the same person just closer to who I was supposed to be all along.
Have I found myself? I am working on it.
The last six months have been a season of unbelievable growth and change and loss and gain. I have found myself and lost myself over and over every day. I am a writer: I live, eat, breathe words; however, the emotions and thoughts and feelings I have experienced leave me speechless. I have stopped trying to find a word to describe it and now embrace it. To know this is life right now. And I sure am living it.
I have found this is a journey I must take alone. Either for now or forever. This is a solo journey that others cannot join and I am not asking them. I travel alone. I take myself to dinner and coffee and brunch. I explore and write and work all on my own.
Understand that I will always need people and support and community and I have found they always appear right when I need them. Many many people have found me along the road and walked and/ or walking with me and I will always be grateful but I am still on a search and there is no going back.
For now it is me finding my place in the world…alone. And that is how I prefer it.
Also, I know I am not going back for now. As Tolkien said, “How do you move on? You move on when your heart finally understands that there is no turning back.” And my heart understands. Everyone is finding out who they are whether intentionally or unintentionally.
Finding yourself is letting go and trusting that everyone has to find their place in the world. Maybe one day when my loved ones and I have found what kind of eggs we like we will have a place for each other in our lives. Or maybe there are a lot of people I will never see again but can cherish the memories we had. And that is okay.
I have learned and experienced far more than I could put in one blog post; subsequently, I am launching a series that I will continue the rest of year entitled The Art of Finding Yourself. A good portion of the series will include excerpts from meticulously detailed journals I have kept this year along with current insight.
So the girl I used to know is still in me she is just figuring out “what to put in the middle.”